How to Heal a Broken Heart After Divorce
Updated: Sep 14
Your marriage ended. Your life still has room for more. Healing a broken heart after divorce starts with rebuilding the parts of life you can influence: your confidence, routines, friendships and connection with your kids. This is where I focus my work as a divorce coach for men.
Can a divorce recovery coach help with a broken heart?
You may know what is hurting without knowing what to do next. A recovery coach helps you turn that into priorities, specific actions and follow-through. In my coaching, we work on the life you want to build while you are still dealing with the breakup. There is no fixed healing deadline or guaranteed speed of recovery.
When I went through my divorce, I was going to have to make some very inconvenient but mature changes. For these changes to stick, they had to be fun. No dragging my feet. I had to make growth and development a priority. I wasn’t about to half-ass this. No middle ground. All or nothing.
I was single now. I could just "accept fate" or "own it". Have you ever met someone who didn’t just accept life, but own it? We're different. We don't have time for bull shit and walk with this calm, unshakeable confidence, We're purposeful. and didn’t stay stuck or stagnant but adapted, evolved, and made ourselves relevant. We took our pain, flipped the script, and made life bigger, better, and bolder.
From my divorce, I became a divorce and recovery coach. Built one of the fastest-growing men’s-divorce support groups on Facebook and asked the men to take a six-minute Quality of Life Survey About Life After Divorce (QOL-SALAD - Study - Click to Take the Study)
I created the Quality of Life Survey About Life After Divorce (QoL-SALAD Study) to examine how men described their lives after separation. I wanted to understand what was associated with doing better, so I could ask better questions in my coaching. The survey compares different men at different stages. It does not establish which changes caused recovery or how much faster someone would recover with coaching.
I asked the men about their quality of life post-divorce, time since separation, dating status, relationship with their kids, where they live (still with the ex or in their own place), and how they feel about the split.
Over 700 divorced men responded, and the answers were crazy insightful. If you’re going through a divorce or a breakup from a long-term relationship (see breakdown). Most were between 36 and 45 years old, with the average age being 40.
Across the 717 men, the average quality-of-life score was 61, with a standard deviation of 12 points. A score of 49 was one standard deviation below that average, and 73 was one standard deviation above it. Those are descriptive comparisons within this sample, not clinical cutoffs or diagnoses. The lowest score was 28 and the highest was 96.
Men separated for 0-3 months scored the lowest at 55. Perfectly understandable—you’re a 40-year-old guy, probably married for most of your adult life, raising kids, and now your life’s being ripped away from you. You didn’t ask for this—she fucking did and she left a damn mess in the process. What you don’t know is that you’re going to grow like never before. I know it’s the last thing you want to hear right now, but mark my words: when you realize you’ve still got choices, you’ll look back in awe. You conquered your biggest defeat and fucking soared, like a peacock.
Men 0–3 months after separation averaged 55. Men 3–6 months out averaged 62, those 6–12 months out averaged 64, those 1–2 years out averaged 67, and those two or more years out averaged 74. The difference between the earliest and latest groups was 19 points, or about 1.6 standard deviations using the overall sample’s 12-point standard deviation. These were different men surveyed at different stages, not the same men followed through recovery. The results do not establish an exact recovery deadline or show that waiting alone caused the difference.
Does Dating Help? A lot of men I coach begin dating but they half ass it. They’ll take a selfie, wear nothing special only to end up complaining when they’re only getting the left overs and say online dating sucks not knowing the full potential of this 5 billion dollar business. In the survey, men who were dating averaged 66 on quality of life, compared with 56 among men who were not dating. That is a 10-point difference between groups, not proof that starting to date raised an individual man’s score by 10 points. And dating was not equally positive for everyone, as the results below show.
Men still living with their ex averaged 55, while men in their own place averaged 67. That is a 12-point difference between groups, approximately one standard deviation in the overall sample. It does not establish that moving out caused the difference.
Conventional wisdom says that in divorce, men move out. In 53% of the cases, it's the female that moves out and when you think about it, it makes sense because despite you paying spousal support men still have an easier time paying off the mortgage or getting a loan vs women. Plus. In an overwhelming amount of time, your ex-wife has been contemplating the divorce for years. She may even have a guy in the picture where she moves into. So when they say that they want a divorce, they already have a plan B. Taking the house is plan A but they have a plan B you just don’t know what it is.
If you're a divorcing dad, below is probably the most important part of the read because it addresses your kids
The most difficult part of the divorce was a three-way tie between finding purpose, dealing with the loneliness, and not having your kids regularly.
Among fathers separated for at least one year, 58% reported that their relationship with their children had improved, 21% reported that it had worsened, and 21% said it was unchanged or they were unsure. This is a subgroup result, not a claim that 58% of all 717 participants reported an improvement.
Over 1/3 of divorcing men hadn't made up their mind if the relationship with their children has improved or not but after 1 year 1/5 hadn't made up their mind. Most men felt the relationship with their children did improve after 1 year separated.
The largest commonality found between the father child relationship was whether or not the split was handled well.
Among fathers still trying to reconcile, 56% reported a worse relationship with their children and 23% reported an improvement. Among fathers who described themselves as thriving, 15% reported a worse relationship and 71% reported an improvement. Those are substantial differences between groups. They do not prove which change came first or that a father’s outlook alone caused the outcome.
Responding to the divorce incorrectly makes it will get weird for your kids and they will gravitate towards the parent with more normalcy. You want to do something for your kids, do something for yourself. Invest in yourself. Nearly 80% of my clients have an improvement with their kids.
Men who did not exercise averaged 55 on quality of life, while men exercising five times a week averaged 68. That is a 13-point difference between groups. The survey cannot tell us how much of that difference came from exercise itself, weight change, other habits or how well the men were already doing. My coaching takeaway is practical: build a routine that improves your life, not just a smaller number on the scale.
In my tracked client results, average quality-of-life scores went from 59 at entry to 83 after 3–6 months, a 24-point increase. These are scores, not percentages. The client follow-up and the broader 717-man survey are different sources of evidence. The survey is not a control group, and this comparison does not establish how much of the client change was caused by coaching or prove that coaching works a particular number of times faster.
Time will pass either way. The question is what you do with it. I help men get organized, rebuild their routines and make deliberate decisions about the life they want next. If you want a coach working through that process with you, schedule a consultation and let’s talk about where you are and what needs to change.
So which parts of life were associated with the biggest differences in the survey? This is where the findings become useful for deciding what to pay attention to.
One of the most powerful predictors was in question 10, how you feel about yourself? Men you didn't like who they were scored 52. But those that loved who they were scored 75. That’s a 23-point difference—almost two standard deviations and again, giving it practical significance.
But how do you get from not liking yourself to loving who the fuck you are? Self awareness leads to self acceptance and knowing your strengths along with minimizing your weaknesses.
Men reporting income 30–50% lower averaged 56 on quality of life, while men reporting income 30–50% higher averaged 73. That is a 17-point difference between groups, not a measured 17-point gain caused by an income increase. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it sure buys you options.
How Much Will Dating Help? The dating and non-dating groups differed by 10 points, but that does not tell us what dating will do for a particular man. I also looked at how well dating was going. The question began, “When it comes to dating,” and gave the men five options:
It's the worst, and I can't find anyone.
It sucks; girls are slim pickings.
I haven't made up my mind.
I'm getting a couple of dates here and there.
I'm killing it out in the field, it's so easy.
Men reporting the worst dating outcomes averaged 52 on quality of life, compared with 81 among those who said they were killing it out in the field. That is a 29-point difference between groups, more than two standard deviations in the overall sample. These are scores, not percentages, and the survey does not establish whether dating success improved well-being, whether men already doing well had more dating success, or both. Going through a divorce and trying to date in a bad market would fuck anyone up. You put shitty pictures you're going to get the same return on investment but you put good quality pictures you're not only going to get better looking women but also better quality women.
Before you go around saying you have to be happy with yourself I couldn’t agree more. But getting out there in the field is vindication that you’re not the piece of shit she said you were. It doesn’t mean that you jump from one relationship to another. Far from that. It means that you can rest easy knowing that when you’re ready, you’re going to be OK and you’re going to begin meeting girls that would make your ex look short, fat, bald stupid and broke.
The majority of guys get 0 to 2 likes per dating app per week but I'm not here to get you in the double digits. You want to talk about options, I'm not exaggerating when I say I'll get you to the triple digits, you'll be so popular that it will get time consuming.
The most impactful question was their approach to being a new bachelor. They were asked how they're embracing single life and given different options. From no I want my wife back down to I'm completely giving it my last hurrah.
Those still in denial despite in their loss, those that had not come close to embracing their divorce scored the lowest of any of the questions in their quality of life including if they were homeless. Those wanting their wife back scored 47.
Of those that said they were giving it their last hurrah scored a 79 with the largest difference of 32. Nearly 3 standard deviation and making it a very substantial practical significance. Accept your fate, change paradigm from that of dread and loss to that of gain.
Is time the only healer.? No, but how you get there is a different matter. When you think about it, when you do focus on yourself, love who you are, bring more income, upgrade the quality of female from mediocrity to excellence and improve your relationship with your kids you'll be thriving and your ex was only getting in your way and in the end, your ex, she'll become an afterthought. Learn more about coaching, I structured my site for your convenience. Click Here to Go to Home Page and learn more about services, myths and what you're up against. To participate in the QoL-SALAD Study Click Here.
Gentlemen, you need a coach, you just don't know it. Get out of your funk and begin looking at this as an opportunity to live by your rules. Join our Facebook group and if you're interested in a coach, let's meet. Schedule a consultation. I will get you there
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