Why You Might Be the Red Flag After A Breakup

To Watch Through Video - Click on Link Here or On Picture

Have you ever bothered to ask if you're the red flag?

As a divorce and recovery coach for men, I work with every kind of guy. Almost all of them walk in searching for answers in some very wrong places, setting blame on their ex.

I get it. She left, she lied, she messed up. Understandably, you want to know what happened. Most of you will research the hell out of her, diagnosing her as a covert narcissist.

But you're missing the entire point. She's gone. And now it's about you, and looking at her for answers is like reading yesterday's newspaper wondering what happened yesterday. You need to ask the real question:

What did I bring into that relationship that made it collapse?

Because it doesn’t matter who filed or who cheated. The bottom line is that you chose wrong, and now, you’re paying for it. The Real Danger Isn't the Player

It's been both my personal and professional experience that guys (and women for that matter) think that it's the player that's the red flag—the one going from one person to another, sleeping with multiple people at the same time.

But that couldn't be further from the truth. The thing is, they're having fun. He’s not the real danger because the player, when he’s ready, can commit. They have no problem forming boundaries. He’s burned through the novelty and knows exactly what he wants.

The real problem—the one that wrecks marriages, ruins dating, and repeats cycles—is the needy guy.

When I interview men, I hear the same line again and again: "I’m a relationship kind of guy.”

That sounds noble. But it’s really code for “I don’t know how to form boundaries.”

That mindset leads to half-assed dating and zero development because you didn't learn a damn thing. You're chasing connection and settle for the first person without learning that you can say no. So you settle.

A confident man poses against a vibrant red background, accompanied by bold text that reads "Needy Guy

The 44% Warning

Here’s a number I want you to remember—44.

Out of every 100 men, 65 will remarry. Of those, 67% will divorce again. That’s 44 out of 100 who’ll go through a second divorce.

Those numbers aren’t coincidence. They happen because most men sprint into the next relationship before rebuilding the man staring at them in the mirror.

So today isn’t about red flags in women. It’s about the ones in us. Because the real issue isn’t who you date, it’s who you are when you date.

YOU might be the red flag. Date to Rebuild, Not to Replace

You should date. You should meet people, laugh again, rebuild confidence, learn to flirt, learn to lead, get laid.

But date to rebuild rather than replace.

Dating is part of your recovery, not a mission to find your future ex-wife. So don’t confuse dating with commitment.

Don’t lock yourself into another long-term relationship until you’ve faced your patterns or you will be the next red flag. The "should have and could have" guy living with yet another mess-up and regret. Unstable. Not ready. Just a walking pattern waiting to repeat itself.

So here’s your warning. Invest in the work now.

Because history doesn’t forgive denial. It repeats it.

If you don’t change your approach, you’ll end up in yet another breakup wondering what went wrong.

I’ll tell you exactly what went wrong. You did nothing. Not a single thing to make sure you didn’t repeat your past mistakes. Those mistakes, they don’t forgive. They’ll haunt you and haunt you, and haunt you again until you decide that maybe... it’s you that needs to change.-----You're not going to like what I say. In order for history not to repeat itself, you have to begin asking some very difficult questions. You're now on your own and that's terrifying. Add to it that you don't have a clue who you are. None.

You just went through your own ego death. Your identity as you know it died. Think about this. Divorce brings you down so low that many will question whether you want to be alive in the first place. Dating someone for the sake of another relationship when you're so low is a huge red flag. You're not looking for a companion, you're looking for someone to rescue you. So you listen to "doctor feel good" content creators selling you comfortable delusion while calling it therapy all under the umbrella of self-improvement, telling those you meet on a dating site that you're complete because you did the work. You figured out she's the covert narcissist and within a year you get committed again... That's not just needy, that's incredibly selfish.

Again, don't think I'm one of those that says that you have to suffer through pain. Not at all. Validate your feelings. But you have to, you need to be incredibly capable to judge your own character. Learn who you are without her, value your worth and have fun doing it. That’s the work. Because if someone tells you that you need to be alone, completely alone and feel the pain, they're clueless and idealistic in their nature.

So before you commit, rebuild. Before you attach, stabilize.

If you jump into something new without rebuilding, you are the red flag. Use dating as proof that you’re grounded, not desperate. That being single doesn’t mean being lost.

That’s where your confidence returns. Through independence, not attachment. Most men never get that far. They date out of fatigue, not readiness. They tell themselves they’re “not the serial dating type,” when really, they’re just tired.

They didn’t grow; they paused. And that’s not transformation. That’s waiting for someone else to fix you.

You can’t outsource identity. You have to earn it back. Seize this opportunity.

Stop Living Like a College Student

Stop Living Like a College Student

The moment you realize that peace is priceless is the moment you gain your confidence because the opposite of peace is anxiety, and anxious people second-guess themselves. I didn't want my second divorce and was terrified of her leaving. You know those moments when you can't believe you're going through something but it's happening anyway? This was one of them. It's like that first dive into a cold swimming pool as you're mid-air where turning back the clock is an impossibility. It was do or die time.

But I made a conscious decision to go with it. I was upper middle class and told myself I was going to build a badass place. I had the resources, so I did it. Got the furniture I wanted, mirrors that were actually outside my bathroom, even became a plant person. I made it home. I truly thought I was going to be in the 90%. Then, I started seeing other single guys my age. Turns out, most of them had done the same thing. If their place was a seven, mine was maybe an eight and a half. But it doesn't have to be something extravagant. You're in a transition, it's OK, but just own it.

When it’s your place, the independence is special. You don’t need permission for anything. You decorate how you want. You eat what you want. Walk around with your balls hanging out. You don’t have to explain anything to anyone. That kind of independence gives you confidence because you feel ownership at an unsurpassed level. You take pride in things that used to feel unimportant — your time with your kids, cleaning your place, even deciding whether the woman who came over stays the night or goes home. Because now, you decide what fits your life and not the other way around.

It's empowering. I’m working with a client that moved into his parent’s place. His parents were great but he needed his own place and I kept telling him that. The minute he got it, he told me that what he appreciates the most is the accountability factor with his kids. His parents just got in the way of his parenting. His place is much smaller but it’s home and home is comfort.

It’s not about having some designer apartment or flexing on anyone. It’s about the simple fact that it’s yours. You decide what stays, what goes, and what kind of man lives there. If you don't do this, you’ll run the risk of being dependent on the next person you date, and no one, including her, wants that.

Learn to Communicate

Learn to Master Communication

Communication means so many things. It's about speaking your point with tact. How open you are with others, your ability to communicate without making it complicated nor insulting. Too many people have secrets, and I get it, we all do. But I'd argue that unless you're in the CIA, the more secrets you have, the lower your ability to communicate.

A few years ago I was facetiming a girl and in the middle of the conversation, the call drops. Thinking we got disconnected, I texted. Turns out her 9-year-old son just got home from his dad’s and didn’t tell her. She panicked and hung up. Huge red flag. I never spoke to her again.

Communication is you, it's the essence of being... a being. You want to be a confident person? Communicate. It's more than words, it's all of the above. How you show up, dress, tone, gestures.

You want to learn about a person? See how they communicate with others when under stress. Do they talk about their problems to try and get others on their side or do they actually look for solutions? See how they communicate with their kids. I dated this woman who told me a story about her 17-year-old son. They were at the beach hanging out, and there was this beautiful girl in his field of vision.

Being seventeen once myself, I know exactly what was going through his head. He didn't want to get caught in front of his mom checking out another woman. It’s awkward. So he completely faced in a direction where she was away from his field of vision. His mom told me she was proud of him — said it showed restraint and respect towards the mom. That's a good man, she said. What a waste of opportunity. Wasted because she could have used this time to learn about her son. Wasted because that could have led to much more meaningful conversations like what kind of girls he likes. Especially true because he didn’t really have a dad. She was a widow. That wasn’t respect, that was avoidance.

When I got divorced I swore I would never have my kids grow up in fear of speaking their mind. They were going to command communication. Today, they ask me best ways to communicate. Writing and speech is great. It's uplifting. But you know what made Reagan the great communicator? He knew how to act. Take an acting lesson. I did, and it controls emotions. Communication is about knowing yourself. The more you understand how you sound, how you move, how you write, even how you breathe, the more you start to realize who you really are. It's the essence of a higher-value man. How the small nuances and micro gestures can differentiate from what you say, to how you say it.

It's more than words. It’s your tone, your timing, your style, the way you dress, the way you carry yourself. It’s all part of the same signal, vibe, aura. One of my favorite YouTube channels is about body language - the behavioral arts. That's why all my consults are done virtual. Because words are only 7% of communication and the rest is everything else.

That’s why I started a YouTube channel. To communicate better. Putting myself on camera forced me to pay attention to how I speak, how I stand, how I connect and how I just can't enunciate correctly for the life of me. You want to get better at communication? Put yourself out there. Record something. Write something. Talk to strangers. Get uncomfortable. That’s how you sharpen your voice — and when your voice gets clear, so does your direction.

Man posing confidently in front of a bold red background, with the text "Lacks Closure" implying a need for resolution.

And Last: Have Peace. Trust You’re Going to Be Okay.

Here’s a red flag most guys miss. You’re on a date, she asks what happened with your ex, and you say, “She’s a narcissist.”

You just told her everything she needs to know and don't even know it. You told her you’ve taken zero accountability. None. That answer screams you haven’t done the work.

You want to really turn her on? Tell her you hired a divorce and recovery coach. That you invested in yourself. That you’re learning rather than running from it. That you’re looking forward, not backward. That’s initiative. That’s maturity. That’s attractive as hell.

When you’ve actually moved on, you don’t need to drag your ex’s name into every story. You don’t need to justify, defend, or diagnose. You just say the truth: It ended. I learned. I’m better for it.

Here’s an actual copy of what I would text the girl before we spoke. You don’t have to read it. It speaks volumes just by looking at it. Everything came back to her. She did this, she did that. I didn’t realize it — I thought I was just being honest and direct but today, if I shared that, I’d have a huge red flag. Incredibly self-serving. My story, while actually pretty interesting, is just sad. She cheated. I was betrayed. She stole money from me to pay her lover. She used me. But my story today is so much better. The one where I got my act together and proved to those I care to prove it to that I am one badass. We all get screwed over. You can talk about that or how you overcame it. My story? My divorce recovery is one of my proudest moments.

Frankly, getting over her was some of my best years of my life. It’s like being in prison for many years and coming out on the other side free. I had peace. Serenity is something you get when you stop wishing for a different path. I had that. I had serenity. And I knew exactly how my story was going to end: Badass. That's why I became a coach. This is how I prioritize my coaching. To help men never have to repeat the mistakes of the past because we all made them. All of us. So communication, confidence, self reliance are key to working and developing yourself.

Andrew Solomon once said that we don’t seek the painful experiences that make our identities, but we seek our identities from our painful experiences. We can endure great pain if we think it’s purposeful. When we know it’s for something. When we feel it’s moving us somewhere better. When we create opportunity from this horrible crisis. You’re just getting started, gentlemen. Your 40s are the new 30s. Your 60s are your new 40s. What kills most men isn’t the pain, men, it’s believing the pain meant nothing.

Don't waste anymore time: watch my YouTube videos and Join My Free and Confidential Facebook Group but most important of all,  Schedule a Consult Here