Marriages begin dissolving 2 years before a separation begins.  As men, we either don’t see the signs or are in denial that a divorce is actually in our cards. The sad truth is that if you’re going through a separation there’s a strong probability that she’s moved on and any attempt to get her back will only push her away further.  

After nearly a year of research and counseling divorced men, here are 6 signs that a divorce is likely coming your way and I’ll use my own experience whenever possible because, well, I’m pretty much textbook.

So, how does the beginning of the end look like.   In a word, anarchy.  It’s a fucking mess.

First, rather than complaining, she turns to criticism. You clean house but it’s not good enough, you cook but they don’t want to eat that, you dress up but they don’t acknowledge it. Typically, men retaliate but after a while, we just stonewall to avoid the fighting. 

Second sign is when the criticism just turns into a lack of civility. The minute you open your mouth, she is on the offensive, every discussion becomes a shouting match or a recitation of your every flaw and misstep.  The criticism can be painful and really emasculating. They start questioning your sexuality or comments about how you suck in the sack or a looser who can’t make the payments.  Their aim is now to hurt you.

Third is you obsess about keeping the peace rather than communicate.  You come in from a great day at work or even a bad day at work and want to share but you don’t because you know that somehow it will turn into a fight and you prefer to keep the peace.  These are the loneliest of times because in order to save your marriage you alienated yourself from others but you’ve become a prisoner to the one person you looked for and relied on for happiness. 

Fourth is, remember those criticisms, now they turn to contempt or even disgust.  Once I was leaving for work, as usual I was wearing a suit and tie.  She looked at me and said “others see you and see success, I just see a piece of shit.” I let it happen, the emotional abuse.  That’s when guys typically throw in the last card that they’re holding and I did.  “You’re so unhappy, then fucking file.”   “OK” she said, “it’s time.”  I didn’t know it at the time but my then wife had a boyfriend and messaged him she just asked for a divorce. I was in a unique case in that the guy she was with shared everything with another girl that he was having casual sex with, a girl who would shortly enter my life and change it.  When my ex told him she was filing, he was with the other girl and showed her the text.

Fifth is the verbal abuse.  Many like me keep it to ourselves.  It’s at this point where you really need to reach out for help.  The climax came when she entered the house, flipped me off and said “fuck you Rene, I’m leaving and suing your ass. I know you have money hidden and I’m gonna find it.” That’s when I flipped, “You want out?  Get the fuck out, go ahead, it’s time for you to leave get the fuck out, you’ve threatened me enough, get the fuck out”.

What I didn’t know is she called her family to hear my words not hers.  Police often get involved such as my case.  That’s when I called my parents to come over just in case she made allegations of physical abuse and I got arrested.   Now my parents would know I’m in jail and keep the kids.  Police came, I was pleasant and dressed to what I felt appropriate attire if I was  to go to jail because all it takes is a lie, a simple, “he touched me.”  My parents had not idea of how my lifestyle had become until that day.  From that day forward, they became my rock.  

Many guys keep things from their loved ones in order to protect the relationship and I still fall on this philosophy because you don’t want people in your business.  For your safety, for your protection, as soon as she says she wants a divorce, that’s when you have to get others for help. You’ll need a support system and I strongly recommend getting a divorce coach to help you get your life together.  Start interviewing attorneys.  Many don’t charge for consultation.  But, I’ve heard it too many times where the husband waits, something happens and police are called and end up in jail.   I’ve seen occasions where the husband calls the police, to stop the angry wife, only to have the husband end up going to jail.  The last thing you want is to have to get a criminal attorney when you already have a family attorney.   

By then you’d think it’s done right?  Anyone in their right mind would leave.  It’s not quite that simple. This is where the story gets embarrassing for me.  The sixth sign is her glee and enthusiasm for her new life.  Often, the husband reaches out asking “when they’re you coming home, I still love you” become common in the communication.  You try to work on keeping her as she now comes and goes as she pleases, stops paying financial contribution as she tells the husband she’s looking to move out.  In my case she bragged about her place.  

Communication stops, you don’t know what they’re up to and you live separate lives in one house.  This is usually the part where if you’re the grieving husband you reach out to me.  Questions like can this be fixed come up, often, it’s easier for them to speak with a nonjudgmental stranger as they open their heart.  They don’t see the options available to them and that’s where I step in.  I’ve heard it all, no judgement, I already know this was a decision they didn’t make and that if given a choice they would take their ex back in a minute. No judgement.  Just know that if you fit any of the warning signs, you’re going to need some kind of help and now, you’re going to change one way or another.  You no longer have a choice.

I got off lucky, a week later, the red pill was given to me by that stranger I mentioned earlier.  Pictures, texts and videos were shared with me of her elicit encounters.  She had been checked out for the majority of the marriage.  She blamed me for her anger and resentment as she returned to her first boyfriend but moved in with her first husband.   I was as many of you are gaslighted.

For many, despite all the shit they went through they still want their ex back and that’s normal.  There’s no shame.  Once the depression and guilt leave the hardest of the emotions to leave you is anger.  You have every right to be, just don’t let it cripple you.  How you embrace being single is the major commonality found that determines your success in your divorce outcome. Many stay angry, many channel that anger and take on the belief that women by nature are hypergamists.  Others say they work on themselves only to tell me under the next breath fuck that, the girl needs to accept me for who I am.  

If you need help, don’t do this alone.  Reach out, get a coach, schedule your free 1 on 1 consultation with me.   Just click on the link to set up a time.  I look forward to speaking with you.