Questions to Ask a Divorce Attorney Before Hiring Them (So You Don't Get Screwed)!
- Rene Garcia
- May 18
- 8 min read
Updated: 6 days ago
How to Find the Right Divorce Attorney
When you’re going through a divorce, our knee jerk reaction is to hire an attorney. In a non-scientific poll I took in my divorce support group on Facebook 70% of you will have retained an attorney by the first month. The average divorce will cost you about $15,000 in legal fees. Coming up with a retainer is hard enough, but keeping an attorney funded through a long drawn-out civil war is where men go broke.
Most guys don’t lose their shirt in the courtroom, they lose it because they hired an incompetent attorney that doesn’t have the skill set nor is it in their best interest to keep costs down.
The problem is that you enter a divorce blindfolded and you go and hire an attorney that you want to believe in. We've been through so much shit that we get desperate for a white knight. This is an incredibly expensive mistake. 15% of you will have switched attorneys before it's over. Sadly, it's been my experience as a divorce coach, that it's often the attorney that walks out on their client. Pro-tip: Do everything in your power to get divorced through mediation. If you need information then reach out. I'll help you.
Attorneys have traditionally been seen as leeches. Family law attorneys are thought of as bottom feeders even amongst a profession that's already disliked in our society. When I first became a divorce and recovery coach I worked diligently to collaborate with divorce attorneys. 2 years into my coaching, I couldn't find one that I trusted enough in to refer out. I came to my realization that it wasn't going to happen. I wasn't about to get flees while lying with dogs. Family law attorneys are reactive by nature and their idea of strategy is to wait and see. Meanwhile your ex gets ahead and next thing you know they're accusing you of shit you didn't do. Family law attorneys are either too cheap, too passive, or just flat-out unqualified for the emotional and strategic war you’re about to fight. It's like a highschooler playing college football. Finding the right divorce attorney isn’t just a checkbox on your to-do list. It’s the first strategic move in a long battle that will shape your finances, your custody, your future and for a small minority of you, your freedom.
So let's cut the shit and talk about how to find a divorce attorney who won’t just take your money and stall your case.
Step 1: Understand What a Divorce Attorney Actually Does
Society thinks attorneys are warriors. They're the opposite. They're more like HR people, they follow the rules, they're not outside the box people and are procedural and aren't wired for adapting. The laws are well established and don't really change. That's why if your ex starts going nuclear and begins asking for an absurd amount, chances are she hired poorly and her lawyer is feeding her garbage advice. But, her attorney's bad advice means that your attorney is going to have more work making your divorce longer and more expensive. With that said, it's really up to your benefit if your ex hires a competent attorney. If interviewing an attorney ask them what they do to keep opposing counsil from starting an expensive cold war. A good competent attorney should set realistic expectations and keep opposing counsil from escalating the divorce. What you need is someone who’s not just legally competent but strategically aggressive, emotionally steady, and communicative. Your lawyer should be three things:
A tactician: They need to understand leverage, not just law.
An executor: They need to move quickly when timing matters.
A Teacher: Describe the process in lay terms not legal talk.
A protector: Mindful of your pocket, respectful of you as a father. For you it's a change in life but for them it can be just another Tuesday. You shouldn't have to remind them of how high the stakes are.
Step 2: Screen for Strategy, Not Just Credentials
Your buddy from work may swear by “his attorney" because they got him "out of a long mess" calling it a win. But I argue that a client that got into a mess on his attorney's watch is not a good attorney. A good attorney needs to understand patterns and pre-emptively prepare to counter. Remember that you’re hiring them based on fit and firepower. When you do your consultations, they need to treat this like a job interview because that's exactly what is is. You're hiring them not the other way around. The average divorce attorney in California breaks $200,000 a year. Assuming your divorce costs you $18,000 you're pretty much paying their monthly salary. Earlier, I mentioned one question you need to be asking an attorney when interviewing them. Here are a few questions that separate a strategic attorney from a lazy one:
What would your colleages say your strenths in family law are? Why?
What one case you worked on are you particulary proud of?
How do you handle a high-conflict opposing attorney?
What’s your turnaround time on emails?
I can't believe I have to put this but yeah, I have to put this.
Should I be the petitioner or respondent? Why?
Saying it doesn't matter is actually an acceptable response. You just want to know how they think
What’s your typical settlement vs trial ratio?
While dependent on state you should expect roughly 85% settlement ratio. In family law, the higher the better
Have you worked with the preciding judge? (If you're recipient)
What are his/her hot buttons?
If they hesitate, give generic answers, or act like you’re “too intense”, walk. This isn’t a PTA bake sale. You’re not looking for a pit bull, you want a Border Collie. In other words you want a Michael Corleone not Al Capone.
Step 3: Know What Type of Divorce Attorney You Actually Need
Not all divorce attorneys are built the same. You need to determine what type of family law attorney you need. You’re not shopping for a generalist. You’re hunting for a specialist who fits your exact battle.
The Negotiator: Skilled in settlements. Great if you and your ex are close to agreement and just need sharp paperwork and asset clarity.
The Closer: Trial-tested. Knows how to cross-examine, expose lies, and work a courtroom. Ideal for high-stakes custody and credibility battles. If you think chess, they know how to check mate when your ex is in check.
The Finance Guy: Knows QDROs, business valuation, hidden assets, and tax fallout. Mandatory if you have property, investments, or own a company.
The Father’s Rights Attorney: Understands the uphill custody fight for men and doesn’t play passive-aggressive games with parenting time.
The High-Conflict Veteran: Has experience with false allegations, narcissistic exes, restraining orders, and smear campaigns. Emotionally immune and surgically tactical.
The Silver Bullet Hunter: Good for when you need to dig up dirt, flip narratives, and go nuclear only if necessary. Knows how to fire one shot, not empty the whole clip and ruin your credibility.
Someone that you want to watch out for is The Vanilla Litigator: Barely knows the judge, terrified of trial, delegates everything to a junior. You’ll pay full price for half the fight.
Step 4: Know the Judge and Opposing Counsil
This right here is non-negotiable. Your attorney must know the judge. Every judge has hot buttons, preferred styles, and biases. Some hate aggressive litigation. Some hate delay tactics. Some always favor the mom unless shown hard evidence. Your attorney better know which judge you're assigned to, and how that judge operates. Otherwise, you’re sitting in the poker table as a newby while others have been playing for years.
Similar goes for opposing counsel. If your attorney has gone up against them before, great. If they respect each other, even better. It means they can cut through bullshit, and get real agreements made. If they’re BFFs or golf buddies, then you really want to consider this. You want an attorney that's known throughout their community as fair and respectful. If they know oposing counsil, surprises don't come up as often and believe me, there's going to be some surprises.
Ask directly:
Have you handled cases in front of Judge [insert name]?
Imperative
Have you gone up against [opposing attorney] before?
Not as Imperative
What was the outcome? Were they reasonable or shady?
Step 5: Watch for Red Flags
You know what’s worse than a bad lawyer? A mediocre one who’s “nice enough” to lull you into trust, while slowly draining your bank account and letting deadlines pass. Watch for these warning signs:
Inability to explain your strategy clearly.
High retainers without clarity on where the money goes.
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